adoption news

This past Saturday Nathan and I attended the United For Adoption's annual adoption conference in Salt Lake. Because our daughter was sick, Nathan went to the first half in the morning and I went to the rest in the afternoon. It was really good! I'm glad we went. Every time I go to these kinds of things I feel like my understanding of adoption gets broader and deeper. The last part of the conference was a birth mother panel. One of the women placed her baby boy in 1986. It was a closed adoption and she didn't get to choose the family her baby was placed with. She talked about being wheeled out of the hospital, seeing the tile floor roll past her, and wishing it would swallow her up. I really just can't imagine. It was heartbreaking to hear. But the AMAZING part of the story is that her son, 28 years later, decided he wanted to find his birth mom, and he did earlier this year! He was even there and stood up at the end and said what a blessing adoption has been in his life. He loves his birth mom and calls her mom. He said he has 2 moms and 2 dads now. His family and his birth mom's family all get along. The birth mom said that placing her baby for adoption has been such a blessing in her life. Because she placed her baby and went through all that she did, she decided to change the path she was on in her life. She got married in the temple and has several sons from the marriage. It was absolutely beautiful to see how wonderful adoption can be for all who are affected! I don't think they could have planned anything that would have done a better job of showing how good adoption can be. I was very touched.

I also went to one of the birth mother classes. The presenter spent a lot of time talking about her story as a birth mom and I felt like she could have spent more time on specific things to help birth moms deal with what they've gone through and are still going through. Still, I think it was good for me to hear more about how birth mothers feel and what they go through.

Another recent experience also brought to light the feelings of a birth mother at the American Fork Families Supporting Adoption chat night. There was only one birth mother there and she has placed 2 children for adoption. The first was a boy and the family she was guided to didn't keep their promises about how often she could see her son. They ignored her requests for visits and she has had very little contact with him despite her efforts. Her requests weren't extreme by any means. I felt for her! If we are blessed to have the miracle of adoption come into our lives, we do not want to leave the birth mother/birth father or their families out of the picture. We have really come to see what a good, good thing it is to maintain those relationships. I think there will be challenges and it will take time to develop, but relationships are worth the effort.

I just loved the things that were shared at the chat. The Spencers, an adoptive couple who have adopted 2 or 3 children, were there and they had such good insights. They talked about the importance of loving and respecting the birth mom and just being christian and kind in how we treat her. There may be times when you have to adjust the boundaries you've both agreed to, but you just need to talk about it and respect each other and you'll be able to work things out.

So, anyway, we're still learning and hoping and praying. I feel really good about adoption. We've come a long way since we first started the application process earlier this year. It was really uncomfortable at first to think of an open adoption and how that would affect our family, but now that's what I want and I know it's best for everyone. I feel like both Nathan and I are committed to loving and including the birth parents of any child who will be placed with us. It's humbling to see friends reaching out in different ways to help us figure this out. I just trust that, like others who've adopted have shared, the mother who is the right fit for our family and for whom we are the right fit will find us or we'll find her if we're doing all we can (i.e. living the gospel, exercising our faith, and doing anything we can to learn more about adoption and share our hopes) and it will just be right and we'll all know it. And then the miracle of adoption will unfold and bless all of our lives in amazing ways that we don't yet understand. I do believe that this can happen!