Risk and Adoption

Adoption is a risky process. It’s risky for prospective adoptive parents, it’s risky for birth parents, and it’s risky for the children being adopted. It’s risky for all of these people and it’s risky for their families. So many things can go wrong that it would be ridiculous to try to make a complete list.

It’s been about 2 years since my wife and I made the decision to look into adoption. We didn’t know much about it; we just knew that we were out of other options. The agency that we chose has since stopped providing adoption services for couples, and the agency that we decided we liked stopped accepting new couples into their pool of adoptive parents. Maybe the waiting is the worst part, but it’s not the riskiest part.

In this long process we’ve also had a lot of opportunities to learn about adoption. What adoption looked like in our minds when we first began the process is very different from what we see now, and we only have the experience of others to inform that view.

As we started attending some of the classes required by our adoption agency, we learned about different levels of openness between the adoptive parents and the birth families. We learned that higher levels of openness and contact with the child’s birth parents usually contribute positively to the long-term health and identity of that child.

I had only heard a horror story from an adoptive couple who had to cut off contact with the birth mother of their adopted child because she and her friends began making threats that they would kidnap the child, so my opinion of openness colored by that bad experience. I also made a new friend who had an 18 year old daughter who became pregnant and decided to place her child with an adoptive couple. She found a family that not only welcomed her into their lives, but also welcomed her parents (including my friend) to be a regular part of this child’s life going forward. He spoke of what an amazing thing that was and how wonderful he felt about that solution.

I attended panel discussions where adoptive children spoke about how they wished they could meet their birth parents, or simply have pictures of them; they would simply love to know more about them. I also attended panel discussions with birth parents both mothers and fathers. I could see the very real pain of separation from their children. I learned about the risks they take when they agree to place their child.

I can only attempt to imagine the devastation that a new mother feels when the adoptive couple breaks their commitment to openness and cuts off contact after the relinquishment papers are signed. I can only attempt to imagine the pain of an adoptive couple who has formed a bond with a birth mother who ultimately decides she can’t place her child with them when the child arrives. These are real risks and real pain that have happened all too often.

I also recently met a girl who was adopted internationally, and after those parents decided they could not continue to raise and care for her, she was adopted again. I know words can really do nothing to describe her insecurities as she tries to make sense of her experiences and do her best to form trusting relationships when her life experiences tell her that it’s just a fairy-tale.

So adoption is risky for everyone involved. I believe that with all of my heart. I know there is still plenty of potential for heartache and heartbreak as we continue to pursue this course, but I still believe that there is also plenty of potential for something wonderful to happen. My friend whose daughter found a good family for her child knows that adoption can be wonderful. Circumstances aren’t always ideal, but that doesn’t prevent us from pursuing the ideal. I believe and hope that adoption will be wonderful for my family.